Just a sudden thought, that made me want to blog about this.
My life, as a mother.
By the way, I have only 7.5kg more to go to my pre pregnancy weight! and........ I am not dieting at the moment. One huge reason, I want to continue to breastfeed.
When I was 13kg away from my pre pregnancy weight, I told myself I have to do everything to achieve my "ideal weight" cos the whole family is going to Maldives. Of course, I would not want to be in "sarong" in maldives. My weight drop as each day passes, so does my milk supply. I was in a serious dilemma because I want my weight to drop... but not my milk supply! To a point that I have to decide to introduce formula to Gabrielle. (and yes, the paranoid me bought organic formula powder with no soy oil by the way). I began to search for lactating food, spending on fennel teas, lactation teas, lactation cookies, multivits, brewer's yeast, alfafa.. etc. etc. I told myself to stop dieting, it is only 2 more months till she reach 6 months old before I can introduce basic food and top it up with breastmilk, by then, I will have enough and she wouldn't have to take formula powder. And so, I am stuck at 7.5kg away from my ideal, but I am happy and comfortable with that. Being able to provide breastmilk for Gabrielle is the least I could do.
Yes, I do not have ample or sufficient time to spend with her. I guess by doing the least, supplying her "gold" milk is what I can afford. I wouldn't paint a fake picture to the social media saying that I am how good to my daughter and that I do the most for her blablabla. In fact, I spend the LEAST time with her. Being so busy at work and school, Gabrielle has only 1/36 of my time? It is not that I do not want to spend my time with her, but I am already caught up with school and work. I have also decided to take 1 module less for the next semester so I can contribute more time with my baby because soon, she would not be a baby anymore.
My mother has been the main caregiver to little teo (Gabrielle) and I am really thankful for that. It is really so tiring and stressful at times. Especially when she left little teo all to myself and I have an ongoing 3000words essay to be completed; that very moment was super stressful. I can imagine how tired my mother is, and I try to urge her to go back home as many times as I could afford. Being a very nice grandmother, she did not mind staying over at all. I took advantage at times, to sleep longer, to "run away" from home. I hope everything will be better as this semester ends. I will have slightly more time and I hope my mother can have better rests at the same time I can spend more time with Gabrielle.
Having a kid now changes my perception of material goods too. All of a sudden, I feel the urge to save, to save for a bigger home so that no.2 can come along, and it will be big enough for my parents to move in. To save for a change of car after a bigger home, then all the holidays with the family. I never thought I would have such a mindset. Now, I get it when people says," when you have a kid you will know" or "when you have a kid you will change".
I have not been a good mother for the past 4 months but I will definitely try to be a better one as compared to last 4 months.
=)
my girl.
